A girl getting a gentleman's C?
Well, pick up the cat and put on flip-flops,
'cause the glass ceiling just got shattered.
Ms. Schmidt, a word?
Professor Van Arsdale-Yates.
I'm having a dinner party ce soir.
May I rely on your attendance?
Wow.
I'd love to.
At your home?
I thought teachers just lived at school.
You'll be the perfect addition.
I host regular soirées for the students,
and I simply had to invite the new arrival
to our petite école
des pensées et mots de la bouche.
So...
welcome, and I will see you tonight.
Jean-Claude Van Damme.
Who knew gyming could be so fun?
My favorite part were those TV-watching chairs with the handlebars.
Those were stationary bikes.
And mine didn't move at all.
Watch out. Non-stationary bike.
Oh, my.
I feel like Whitney Houston in The Bodyguard.
And you're the white guy, Kyle Copner.
I actually haven't seen that movie.
You've not seen the film that inspired
my un-started original screenplay
The Bodyguard 2: Guard Her Harder?
Maybe we can watch it together sometime.
Listen, um, I'd invite you in,
but there's something I got to tell you.
I have a one-year-old daughter.
Oh, sure.
I've known lots of people who've had babies.
My parents, the Octomom.
Also, I understand
babies be havin' babies.
Oh, heavens.
I should let the babysitter go.
But when she's in a better mood,
I really want you to meet her, hmm?
Dinner tonight?
Why not?
I'm always happy to meet someone who won't remember me.
sync and corrections by Mr. C www.addic7ed.com
♪ Unbreakable ♪
♪ They alive, damn it ♪
♪ It's a miracle ♪
♪ Unbreakable ♪
♪ They alive, damn it ♪
♪ But females are strong as hell ♪
♪ Unbreakable ♪
♪ They alive, damn it ♪
♪ It's a miracle ♪
♪ Unbreakable ♪
♪ They alive, damn it ♪
That's gonna be, uh...
you know, a fascinating transition.
♪ Damn it ♪
Can you believe it?
Kimberly Cougar Schmidt,
rubbing elbows with the elites the rest of the country hates.
It seems like just yesterday
I was eating hair sandwiches in the bunker.
It's not funny.
Which one of these scrunchies says,
"I do word searches in pen"?
Girl, put those pocket buttholes away
and think about me for once.
What does one even wear
to a fifth-gay-baby-meeting date?
Emily Post is silent on the subject.
Titus, I'm impressed.
I would have thought a guy with a baby would freak you out.
You forget, I'm a master of self-improvement, Kimp Bizkit.
I can't wait around for Mikey to come to his dumb Italian senses.
I got to get on with my life like an adult,
and that's exactly what Reuben is.
He's got a baby.
He takes taxis. He's been to Rhode Island.
Sure, it's scary and new, like a recently purchased Halloween mask,
but being with him is an opportunity for me to grow as a person.
The other day, he suggested we split a dessert.
It was exhilarating.
You both have to pretend you don't want the last bite.
It's a psychosexual chess match.
Titus and Kimmy... grown-ups!
If only those rats who stole three of my best wigs
could see us now.
Huh... I think they can!
- Look at us! We're crushing it! - I want my wigs back, jerks!
Excuse me, I got a call about my husband, Russ Snyder.
What happened?
Did they flip him over and forget which side is up?
I told them to draw an X on the front.
- Jacqueline! - Hmm?
Can you believe my Guatemalan butt implants got infected?
But a lady's gotta choose...
her ass or her face, and I don't have face money!
Oh, can you take me home?
Nobody else will.
You're delirious, Mimi.
I'm not Jacqueline.
I'm her twin sister, Jorqueline,
and I don't exist.
But, Jorqueline,
my family keeps writing, "New phone who dis?"
Jorqueline!
Ms. White?
Hi, I'm Stacey, one of Russ' nurses.
We spoke on the phone.
Is everything okay?
If Russ needs any organs,
I'll gladly donate Kimmy's.
No. Everything's fine.
In fact, Dr. Moreau thinks
the bandages will come off tomorrow.
Tomorrow?
I'll... see him tomorrow?
Yes.
That's why I wanted to talk to you first.
Okay.
As you know,
your husband was fully smooshed.
Now, the doctors had to put pieces of thigh in his face,
stack his kidneys so that the horse pancreas would fit,
and rearrange his ossa exterior.
Outside bones or teeth.
Now, the post-smooshing patients
often require unique care.
Look, I just want my Russ back,
not... "a ball of holes"?
I know.
It's a lot to take in.
We'll talk again tomorrow,
unless my Tinder date tonight
is a better murderer than the one last night.
Perry.
I mean...
Refrigerateur,
how lovely to peep you.
Kimmy. Hey.
Kimmy! Kimmy, there you are!
Oh, welcome to our little salon.
Oh!
My wife is dying to meet you.
She's a professor of her-story
with a focus on the Viet-ma'am war.
Let me find her.
Dianne?
My partner and equal!
Perry, I am
so, so sorry about hucking that trash can at you.
Oh, no, Kimmy, it's fine. Not a big deal.
Well, it wasn't very nice of me.
What if a rat lived in there and it had babies in a wig?
Look, I've been through some stuff.
Nothing that we ever need to get into...
No, look. Seriously, it's fine. We're good.
For realsies?
Look, I'm actually kind of glad you're here.
I've never been to a fancy dinner before.
I tried to tie a real bow tie, but this is just a baby's headband.
Yeah, and all these people look so smart.
I'm afraid I'll say the wrong thing,
like "chloresterol."
Yeah, or, "Please pass the government butter."
Leonora?
Yin to my yin?
You must be Kimmy. Oh!
Dianne Delamonte-Shapiro.
Welcome to our home.
All the art is meant to be touched.
Uh, mes putains?
Dinner is served!
If you are allergic to any of the vegetables
mentioned in Shakespeare, you will find
nothing to your liking.
Lookit, you want to stick through this together?
♪ Ooh, E, Elijah rock ♪
Hey, what are you doing here?
Just picking up a new robe from the church office.
My last one shrunk in the wash after I ate a ham.
Well, I wasn't expecting this meeting to happen till tonight,
but, Titus,
I'd like to introduce you to Linda.
Oh, who's Linda? Your mom's friend?
A... A woman you bought a funky lamp from on craigslist?
No.
My daughter, Linda.
Wow.
Your baby's name is...
Linda, Kimmy!
He named his baby Linda.
That's not a baby name; that's a name
for an adult woman who works in human resources
and says stuff like, "Mondays..."
Okay, first of all, how did you find me?
I track your phone, girl,
so I know if you're going to the toy store without me.
Hey, hey, I thought we were sticking together.
Leonora just made me touch some art that I did not want to.
Oh...
Is this the guy whose mouth is softer than your kissing potato?
What? Perry, that's not a thing.
Why would you do that?
Kimmy, focus.
We're talking about a baby named Linda.
I'm supposed to be at Reuben's before this sweats off
and he finds out I can't afford a watch.
Titus, are you serious?
One minute you're talking about being an adult,
and now you're gonna flip out because a baby has a totally normal name?
I don't know.
It's a little weird for a baby.
The only Linda I know is my aunt's friend.
She works in human resources.
Thank you.
Perry's the only one who's ever supported me.
Are you sure you're not just freaking out about the baby
and looking for a dumb excuse to bail?
Like you did with "Close Talker"
or "Man Hands"?
I like a dainty hand, Kimmy.
You like Reuben too, though, right?
I mean, if you like this guy,
you should give him a chance, right?
Good point, Perry.
Thanks, man.
I'm gonna see how it goes tonight with Reuben and...
Linda.
Wait.
Who's Linda? His boss?
Linda's the baby.
Yeah, that takes some getting used to.
Did you know that Nabokov's native language was Russian
but he could be a creep in English and French as well?
Someone else be interesting.
Uh, well...
I recently read a really interesting quote
- on the side of some government butter. - Ah!
Uh, oh, here's a fun fact.
Cats don't meow around other cats.
- They only do it to mimic people. - Fascinating.
I learned that from a pop-up book that I did not end up purchasing.
Well, I just checked on the chicken.
Uh, dinner is vegan, of course.
The chicken is a rescue we're raising as a child.
He's doing good.
This is fun.
I feel like I'm wearing glasses.
You know,
Dianne and I have had a lot more time on our hands
over these past few years, what with making tenure...
And achieving lesbian bed death.
Hence, these dinners have become
increasingly special to us.
We only invite the most interesting people, of course.
Tamara here is a poet
and arsonist.
Also, I'm trans-ghost.
Edmund works in the Columbia robotics lab.
He made a robot that's racist.
But why?
I wonder why I'm here.
You do?
I guess I have made a name for myself
skipping everywhere on campus.
Ooh, and Perry here
is the most promising student in my seminar.
I was so impressed by a recent paper of his,
I asked him to present it in my intro philosophy class tomorrow.
Also, he is extremely poor.
That's my class.
I didn't realize I was in the company of a presentation-giver.
Uh, it's about the Phaedo,
Plato's last Socratic dialogue.
Some people don't realize that many of those ancient texts
were meant to be read aloud.
Ha! Idiots.
So I'm bringing them
into the 21st century by rapping them.
Whoa.
The other students will be all like,
"Uh, oh, my, rapping has no place in the classroom.
We only learn from books and scrolls and... Wait, what?"
You two remind me of me and Dianne when we were your age.
We met while protesting Nixon.
Cynthia Nixon.
We were very upset she was holding up contract negotiations
for the second season of Sex and the City.
Ooh, and Kimmy is here, of course, because she...
I'm the Skipster.
is a Mole Woman.
Wait, how did you know that I'm a... that I was a Mole Woman?
Oh, well, Dianne and I google all of our students.
In the hopes of finding
old high school field hockey pictures.
Can you believe this tuna tartare
is made entirely of cashews?
Mmm. Isn't it fishy?
So that's why I'm here?
It's not the skipping
or that I can count to ten in Spanish?
Well, eight.
Oh, no.
We wanted to discuss your experiences
as a kidnapping victim.
Please excuse me.
I have to go to the airport to pick up Jorqueline.
Uh...
That's a shame.
Kimmy, hold up.
How could they do that?
They googled me, like I'm some kind of unlikely animal friendship.
Look, it's just something people do.
Oh, my gosh.
Did you do it too?
Everybody does it.
You think it's an accident
"google" is just "go ogle" without the space?
Sure, it's kind of a moral gray area, but...
No, some things are pretty black-and-white.
Uh, newspapers.
A penguin before it goes in a blender.
Rainbows if you're a dog.
And snooping on people's secrets.
Carry on.
I'm sorry.
I thought you knew that stuff was out there.
I feel terrible about what happened to you.
Oh, so now you feel bad for me,
like I'm that Muppet on Sesame Street whose dad is in jail.
Is that why you were so nice about the garbage can?
I... Well, I mean,
maybe that had something to do with it, but...
They're allowed to stay up late.
They're not chickens.
I... I really do like you.
I don't want to hear it. I'm out of here.
And by the way, I think your idea to rap philosophy is stupid.
No, that's the anger talking.
It's gonna be incredible, and everyone knows it.
Jacqueline, I really don't want to talk right now.
Perfect. I don't want you to talk either.
Russ may be coming home tomorrow, and I don't know if I could handle it.
With smooshing victims,
there's a 40% chance they'll have external funk-sacs.
I don't even know what that means,
but the drawing is mostly stink lines.
Oh, sure, call me about this.
'Cause Kimmy's the expert
on messed-up bummers and shiznit.
There's a lot more to me than the bunker.
I can't whistle. I saw a hawk once.
That sounds a lot like talking, Kimmy.
I've been smooshing his picture to try to get a sense
of what I'm in for.
The pamphlet says I should also
be smearing it with old shrimp
while listening to haunted house sound effects.
God...
I've never taken care of anyone in my entire life.
Even with Buckley and Xan,
there was always a nanny or a horse
I could leave them with.
Dang it, Xan.
Has she googled me?
Ugh, Kimmy, with you,
it is always me, me, me, me.
Mimi.
I could practice on her.
No one's picked her up,
so she's just been ET-ing in the hospital gift shop stuffed animals.
Xan, have you ever googled me?
Be honest. I can take it.
- Yes. - No!
This isn't happening!
You know about my... stuff?
Yeah. Why do you think I'm always so nice to you?
Ugh...
What?
No!
Ugh!
So it's all just out there for anyone to surf
on the World Wide Web?
All they have to do is type
"https colon backslash backslash
www dot google dot com
backslash number sign Q
equals sign kimmy plus sign schmidt"?
Look, the Internet has everyone's most embarrassing stuff on it,
like, even mine.
Type "girl poops pants at spelling bee."
Mummichog.
H...
Oh, gee!
That is correct.
That doesn't make me feel any better.
I don't want your humiliation on there any more than...
Why are you still onstage?
'Cause I wasn't out yet and I had to beat Priya Patel.
Well, I don't want my bunker stuff on the Internet.
I just want to be in charge of my own life like a grown-up.
Oh, grown-ups are all over the Internet.
"Drunk lady at White House."
This is my dad's girlfriend.
Someone threw up in my purse!
Oh, my gosh. "Drunk lady at White Castle"?
That's my therapist.
Is she wearing a bathing suit?
Also, I did not bring a dog in here.
I let a dog in here.
Big difference.
Ow, quit biting me, dog.
I did what you asked.
Titus.
I was just admiring baby... Linda.
So is that
a family name or...
No, just thought it was cute.
Anyway, this place does a great eel roll.
I did a great eel roll back in the day.
The dance move?
It's like the worm, but you're on your side.
Mondays...
What the living hell was that?
It's so funny.
Linda always says "Mondays" whenever she does an oopsie.
Did Linda do an oopsie?
Did Linda make a poopy?
It's none of your business.
She's a grown woman.
Uh-oh. I see what happened.
Somebody got into the SlimFast again.
Oh, come on.
If Linda fills her purse with the SlimFast,
then she can't find her keys,
and then she gets mad, doesn't she?
Mondays!
Oh.
Are you really gonna take care of me,
or is this a prank,
like when Jamie Kennedy proposed to me?
Oh, I miss him so much.
I'm here for you, Mimi.
Whatever you need...
The gel is slipping into my leg again!
Push it up!
Oh, good.
Mimi, you've got to take this.
You have to trick me like a dog.
I can't sit on a toilet yet,
so just hold me over the bathtub.
Drains is drains!
I need water!
I need a blanket!
I need to go tub again!
Call Make-A-Wish.
I want to meet Shaq!
Jacqueline!
I just got a text!
I need to do the ice bucket challenge!
Jacqueline?
Jacqueline!
Jacqueline, Jacqueline, Jacqueline,
Jacqueline, Jacqueline, Jacqueline, Jacqueline!
You better not be using up all your data.
I need it for my Twitter war with the other Titus Andromedon.
I'm trying to find my old therapist.
So far I've learned that
she lost her license and a wet shorts contest in Atlantic City,
which means now I'm invading people's privacy.
I hate the Internet!
What do you expect?
It was invented by nerds, and you know how they are.
Angry 'cause they're all alone,
and they know it's their fault,
'cause they're always finding little problems
with every Reuben they meet.
Kimmy, I don't think I'm talking about nerds anymore.
Titus, what happened last night?
I flipped and ran away like a pancake with legs.
Will you make that for me next pancake day?
Please tell me this isn't about...
You know it's about Linda,
'cause everything about Reuben is great except this one thing:
his bitch baby.
Okay, Titus, there are adult Lindas, right?
Well, at some point, those Lindas must have been babies.
What do you think they'd say about how crazy it is
for a baby to be named Linda?
There's only one way to find out.
I need to speak to Linda in HR.
Which one?
All of them.
So... So wait.
The baby's name is Linda?
Yes, Linda P.
And I know I'm getting in my own way like always...
Uh, no, it's weird.
When I was a kid, everyone called me Lulu.
I didn't start going by Linda till...
- after Gary left. - Mm.
And Linda is my middle name.
I didn't start using it until, I guess,
around the time my dog
started eating at the table with me.
I actually changed my name to Linda
to get more jobs in HR.
It's a real Lindas' club.
Well, in my country,
it's actually pronounced "Leenda,"
so it is not so weird on the baby.
- That's beautiful. - That's so nice.
I love to travel.
So Kimmy was wrong yet again.
I'm not being crazy?
No, a baby named Linda is weird,
but it is the kind of thing
that you can look past
if you really want to.
What are you saying, Lindas?
After Gary left, I dated a lot of guys
that really weren't right for me,
but I convinced myself that our differences
were just opportunities for me to grow,
even though deep down I knew
I deserved to be with someone who loved to go dancing
or wasn't a Juggalo king.
Of course you deserve better.
You're Linda P., damn it.
- Oh. - And I'm Titus A.
There's nothing wrong with Reuben, but he's not right.
I don't want to go to the gym
or a museum called The Frick
where no one laughs when you say things like,
"Why the frick did we come here?"
I guess I wanted to prove I could move on after Mikey,
so I was forcing it.
Just like Reuben is forcing his baby to be a Linda
when true Lindas must ripen,
like one of those things that hang off plants.
Uh, fruits and vegetables.
I'm on day two, Whole30.
- We should do it together. - You already look great.
- Linda... - You'll never make it.
Thanks, Lindas.
Are you going to stay for Karen's birthday cupcakes?
Uh, is Linda D. proud of her nephew?
You know I am. Stop it, girl.
Hey, if I hook you guys up,
will you drive me to my boyfriend's wife's house later?
Hi, Dr. Bayden.
Kimmy.
What a terrible surprise.
How'd you find me?
The Internet.
I googled you,
and there are a ton of complaints about your piercings on Yelp.
Well, that's just Tevin.
Hey, Tevin!
You're lucky I'm not legally allowed to come over there.
We used to hook up.
Are you still drinking?
Like you're so perfect.
- You're drunk right now. - No, I'm not.
Then why are you dressed like that?
Okay, look.
I need your help.
The last time I saw you,
you said the only three people I can change
are me, myself, and I.
But what if that's not true?
No matter how hard I try,
the old messed-up me is still stuck in the Net.
Okay, what'd you do, google yourself?
Yeah, that's a mistake.
Have you seen "girl poops pants at spelling bee"?
Humiliating.
And that's coming from
"Psychiatrist poops floor at conference."
Yeah, I googled myself.
And so did the guy I like
and a professor
and, I guess, everybody.
You know, I should have just stayed Kimmy Smith.
At least she was free to live her life...
No.
Kimmy Schmidt is free, okay?
She can just assume that everybody
already knows everything
and stop worrying about it.
Hey, mall!
This chick got bunkered!
Ah, big time!
- Shut your face! - Bigly!
Long time...
Okay, here's my point.
Think of all the time and energy
you have spent keeping your secret,
deciding whom to tell,
always looking over your shoulder with that big ol' pumpkin head of yours.
What are you? Irish?
Man, they've got some heads.
So lookit, what if you didn't have to put in all that effort, okay?
Worrying, hiding,
taking a bus to New Jersey
to get advice from a unlicensed psychiatrist
with a loaded gun in her tights.
What?
To quote Elsa, "Let it go!"
Elsa is my boyfriend's wife.
I grabbed her hair at a high school basketball game.
So, what, I'm just supposed to pretend I don't care?
No, you're supposed to not care.
Look, what would you be doing right now
if you weren't in Bumbledick, New Jersey,
trying to get in my pants?
Well, I guess I'd be heading to class to see my...
friend give a rap lecture on Greek philosophy.
Yes, go do that.
Thanks, Andrea.
God, there's so many bugs in here.
Titus.
Um, come in.
What happened last night?
- I went to pick up Linda... - Mm.
When we turned around, you disappeared
like the table at that magic show I took you to.
I'm glad you mentioned your love of magic.
It's part of why I'm here.
Reuben, like that leopard print unitard
I bought on the sidewalk, I wanted this to work,
but it doesn't.
You haven't seen The Bodyguard.
I don't want to eat eels.
What if I get electrocuted?
Well, you're not perfect either,
Mr. "I Fell Asleep on the Floor of The Frick."
But when Tilda Swinton does it, it's art.
Plus, you're afraid of a vacuum cleaner.
You gave up halfway through a revolving door.
When I brought you a bouquet, you ate it.
I thought it was a Edible Arrangement. I don't have a lot of fruit experience.
Also, you're weird for naming a baby Linda.
Well, you live with a grown woman named Kimmy.
But I did not name her that.
Then maybe this is for the best.
For both of us.
Uh-uh, ain't nobody tracking what this says about you.
Titus is growing. You are devastated.
See you at choir practice.
I will be late, because a bunch of us
are getting margaritas for Karen's birthday.
Socrates,
Plato, Aristotle.
These are the first street philosophers.
In fact, you might say
that Socrates' dialogues
are the OG rap battles.
Oh, my God, is he gonna rap?
This'll make people
forget all about "kid gets erection at bar mitzvah."
♪ Yeah, uh ♪
♪ I'm Socrates and we've got knowledge ♪
♪ That you can't learn From going to college ♪
♪ You got to ask questions to get it out ♪
♪ Just read the Phaedo ♪
♪ There's no doubt ♪
♪ Aww, Phaedo ♪
Damn.
Yeah.
Um...
Uh...
♪ Learning is only recollection ♪
♪ How else could a slave know math? ♪
Hold up, I'm off the beat. I'm off the beat.
Hold on. Uh...
Wait, just wait. Wait, wait, wait.
Ah. Uh, I accidentally opened Adobe.
I... just one... one second.
Not today, Internet.
I'm not letting Perry go through what I went through,
especially the New Jersey part.
Do your worst, tubes,
'cause I'm Kimmy Schmidt,
and I don't fudging care.
♪ I'm Kimmy Schmidt And this is what I do ♪
♪ Being a rapper in Perry's crew ♪
♪ One guy rapping may be lame ♪
♪ But two friends rapping Is a really fun game ♪
♪ I can freestyle and make it rhyme ♪
♪ I can freestyle all of the days ♪
Uh, break it down!
♪ Go Perry, go Perry ♪
♪ Is it your birthday? ♪
♪ It hasn't come up ♪
♪ I'm really glad we can be friends ♪
♪ Me too, I bet you hope This rap never ends ♪
♪ Aww ♪
♪ It doesn't ♪
Rhyme time!
Ms. White?
Oh, no, I'm Jacqueline's sister, Jorqueline,
and I'm in the middle of a big bike race.
I can't do it.
I can't take care of Russ.
I spent one day taking care of my acquaintemy Mimi Kanassis,
and I almost killed her.
I'm just not strong enough for this.
Wait, Mimi Kanassis with the butt implants?
That woman is a nightmare.
Well, yes, but...
No, honestly, I don't blame you.
You know, she's in here a lot.
She does get most of her plastic surgery
by blackmailing doctors on sugar daddy sites.
Shaq stopped visiting the kids at this hospital
because of her.
No, if you can last a whole day
without murdering Mimi Kanassis,
you're gonna be fine.
Come on.
I'll love him no matter what.
I'll do whatever it takes.
Even if that's what he smells like now.
Oh, sorry, that's me.
I loves my vending machine Cup O' Clams.
Jacqueline. My love.
Everybody leave!
♪ Socrates' wife was named Xanthippe ♪
♪ That's the name of a friend of mine ♪
♪ Whose pants get drippy ♪
Oh!
You mentioned me in your philosophy rap?
That's not even the best part.
My name is in the title.
Now it's the first thing that comes up when you google me.
But it's also the third thing that comes up when you google me.
It pushed down my debate championship.
Don't you get it, Xan?
As long as I just keep doing stuff,
one day, all the Mole Woman stories
will be on page two of my search results,
and then when I'm president of America,
page three.
And that's how I'm gonna beat the Internet.
♪ A break, break, break Break, break, break dancing ♪
♪ Do the eel roll ♪
- Good night, everybody! - Good night!